NO BREAD-BAG REPUBLICAN — In 2016, Mitt Romney Won’t Run. Here’s Why


Pressed on his decision not to run, Mitt Romney admits artisan bread bags “made of paper” won’t offer sufficient protection in rainstorms.

WASHINGTON D.C. – During a phone call with donors and supporters, Mitt Romney said he will not be seeking election in the 2016 race for the Presidency. “It was time to step aside for up-and-coming talent” in the field of younger Republican hopefuls “that eat or have likely eaten Wonder Bread either growing up or still do,” he explained. “They’re used to wearing plastic bread bags on their feet for protection against the elements,” he continued, “Having always eaten hand-crafted, artisan loaves never gave me the opportunity to share in that experience.”

Many in the Beltway saw this as a jab against Jeb Bush, whose likeliness to have even touched a slice of Wonder Bread was as remote as Dick Cheney feeling emotion.

“You see them running through the Capitol on rainy days with those bags on their feet — especially since Joni’s State of the Union rebuttal,” the former governor chuckled, “and maybe it’s time for some new blood while this old dog sticks to his galoshes.”

Romney sounded upbeat in the face of delivering what many felt to be disappointing news. Before saying goodbye, Romney ended the call exclaiming, “For God’s sake, someone tell Louie Gohmert the bags go OVER your shoes!”


Jerry Sisti
Jerry Sisti is a frequent contributor to His Own Amusement.

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