In What’s Seen As A Shift Toward The General Election Sanders Boasts of Large Hands As A Pathway To Victory.
BURLINGTON, VT — In a surprise move by the Sanders Campaign, they are claiming Bernie Sanders’ hand size, that is “unquestionably bigger than Hillary Clinton’s” is the path forward to a general election victory over Republican front runner, Donald J. Trump.
Before an estimated crowd of 14,000 in East Lansing, Michigan, Sanders said, “Now this has become such a yooge[sic] issue on the Republican side, we’re going to take the fight right to them, because it’s an issue that we will win,” as the auditorium erupted into thunderous applause. “On one of the most important issues facing millions of working people, Secretary Clinton and I have very, very different equipment.”
But first, the campaign will have to convince voters why this issue should remove the Clinton campaign from its front-runner status, which many consider to be a difficult task ahead. When asked about his differences with Clinton on other issues, like campaign finance reform and the Trans Pacific Partnership, Sanders replied, “Look, we’re going to put TPP aside, and bring ‘T-I-P’ to the forefront, if you catch my drift. Don’t make me spell it out.”
Whether Sanders could stop campaigning against Hillary Clinton altogether and focus only on Trump and the general election, is a question that will be volleyed back and forth by those inside the beltway. But to Sanders it couldn’t be more clear. “They don’t call Trump a short-fingered vulgarian for nothing. And he probably has a micro schwantz to match, and not unlike Hitler I might add.” He continued sternly, “And frankly, I’m hung like an Albanian workhorse. Who would you rather have on your farm, a well-endowed workhorse or a pencil-dicked dictator? That’s a question I’ll take to the people. I know how they’ll decide.”
The abrupt shift in strategy grew out of an ongoing feud between Trump and Marco Rubio over the size of Trump’s “man parts.” According to the Sanders camp, “Originally this was not a card we intended on playing but it has become so prominent in the Republican campaign, we had to come out swinging – literally. And frankly, despite the fact that she has lovely hands, Hillary simply can’t compete in this arena,” said campaign manager Jeff Weaver. “It’s a big issue and size matters,” he concluded.
“Listen, all along I’ve alluded to it but I didn’t want to hit anybody over the head with it,” Sanders quipped. “I continually gesticulate with large hand motions on practically every sentence I say. Do you think that was by accident? Then I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you.”
Jerry Sisti
Jerry Sisti is a frequent contributor to His Own Amusement.
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