Kaisich_sinatra_1024_683Trying To Woo Voters, Kasich Samples Everything From Local Cuisine to Lower East Village Heroin.

NEW YORK, NY — After eating what seems to be nearly every neighborhood culinary offering, up and down throughout New York’s five boroughs, Republican presidential candidate, John Kasich, stopped by a shooting gallery in Manhattan’s Lower East Village to sample the local heroin, before a curious press and potential supporters.

“Let me tell you something,” Kasich remarked, “if I eat one more slice of pizza or pastrami sandwich, I may well explode, and that won’t do anyone any good,” Kasich laughed, “so why not tie off and bond with the neighborhood locals over some skag and good conversation? Food isn’t the only way to do a photo op and get a taste of neighborhood flavor, y’know.”

Instead of cooking the heroin and injecting himself, the Ohio governor let local Republican Precinct Captain, Louis Ginatelli do the honors. “Hey — I learned my lesson! When in Rome, do as the Romans,” Kaisich quipped, referring to the deluge of mock ire he received for eating pizza with a fork at a campaign stop two days ago. “Man, they’ll crucify you here in Manhattan for eating your pizza wrong, so I’m not even gonna’ attempt to boot some smack with everyone watching like hawks and waiting for me to screw up!”

Kasich spokesman, Trent Duffy, later commented, “Kidding aside, it’s the responsible way to sample heroin in a place you’ve never shot up in before. What about a hot shot, or maybe it’s cut with Fentanyl? Only the local precinct guys are going to know for certain. Let them handle the dosing and the administering and just play it safe. No one needs a dead showoff.”

After receiving the shot, the Midwestern governor’s head dropped back, his jaw gaped and eyes shut in the typical manner of a junkie getting his fix. After struggling to lift his head, he managed to joke with one eye barely open, “Pizza’s not the only thing that’s best in the Big Apple. Sheesh! This dope’s to die for. Holy cow!” Kasich’s voice trailed off in a slurred mumble as his head dipped and he proceeded to nod off.

“Alright, let’s let the governor enjoy his nod and chat with the locals,” as Communications Director, Mike Schrimpf, gestured for the press to move along. “Party’s over,” he yelled to the crowd, “well at least for you guys, anyway,” he chortled.

Jerry Sisti
Jerry Sisti is a frequent contributor to His Own Amusement.

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